I have had a heavy heart for several weeks. I have one incident that occurred last week that I can't shake. I allowed myself to lose my temper, which I have not done in a long time. I have been able to take a few minutes, check my thoughts and emotions, rely on the Holy Spirit to give me words, and move on in peace. I was unsuccessful last week. I have apologized to the parties involved because I was in the wrong. I have asked the Lord to forgive me. I know I have received that forgiveness. I know Romans 8:1 is true:
8:1 - There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.
I know I do not have to experience shame, or guilt or condemnation. And yet...I have consistently felt under attack and the need to look over my shoulder, so to speak. Why do I feel under attack and why do I feel so vulnerable?
I found myself in Psalms today and reading the 86th chapter. I found the entire chapter speaks to me right now, but 4 verses in particular:
Psa 86:14 O God, the proud have risen against me, and the company of violent men have sought after my life, and have not set You before them.
Psa 86:15 But You, O God, are God full of pity, and gracious, long-suffering, and rich in mercy and truth.
Psa 86:16 Oh turn to me, and have mercy on me; give Your strength to Your servant, and save the son of Your handmaid.
Psa 86:17 Show me a token for good, so that they who hate me may see and be ashamed; because You, Jehovah, have helped me and comforted me.
My heart is heavy and crying out to God. I need something...a deep, almost desperate, need...for something I cannot put my finger on...
Am I the only one that has every felt this way? I sure hope not, but right now I feel so terribly alone and so terribly misunderstood and like I am fighting for my life right now. I am in a constant state of unrest and need to find my peace again. Try as I might...it eludes me. I will continue pursuit until I achieve the peace that passes all understanding....