Sunday, March 4, 2012

Psalm 86 - My Prayer and Plea

I have had a heavy heart for several weeks.  I have one incident that occurred last week that I can't shake.  I allowed myself to lose my temper, which I have not done in a long time.  I have been able to take a few minutes, check my thoughts and emotions, rely on the Holy Spirit to give me words, and move on in peace.  I was unsuccessful last week.  I have apologized to the parties involved because I was in the wrong.  I have asked the Lord to forgive me.  I know I have received that forgiveness.  I know Romans 8:1 is true:

8:1 - There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.

I know I do not have to experience shame, or guilt or condemnation.  And yet...I have consistently felt under attack and the need to look over my shoulder, so to speak.  Why do I feel under attack and why do I feel so vulnerable? 

I found myself in Psalms today and reading the 86th chapter.  I found the entire chapter speaks to me right now, but 4 verses in particular:

Psa 86:14 O God, the proud have risen against me, and the company of violent men have sought after my life, and have not set You before them.
Psa 86:15 But You, O God, are God full of pity, and gracious, long-suffering, and rich in mercy and truth.
Psa 86:16 Oh turn to me, and have mercy on me; give Your strength to Your servant, and save the son of Your handmaid.
Psa 86:17 Show me a token for good, so that they who hate me may see and be ashamed; because You, Jehovah, have helped me and comforted me.

My heart is heavy and crying out to God.  I need something...a deep, almost desperate, need...for something I cannot put my finger on...

Am I the only one that has every felt this way?  I sure hope not, but right now I feel so terribly alone and so terribly misunderstood and like I am fighting for my life right now. I am in a constant state of unrest and need to find my peace again.  Try as I eludes me.  I will continue pursuit until I achieve the peace that passes all understanding....

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